Billy and Me

By on January 6, 2016

Blond wig-stacheI left Southern California via moped to the great Desert Oasis of Las Vegas, or the locals call it Vegas. I was on the hunt; I was searching for an elusive and maybe even an endangered creature known as Manzielious Williamnosis or just Billy for short. I checked into the hotel around 6:00pm after an uneventful drive, I was tired but unwilling to rest… I had to find Billy.

I checked the usual sports, Planet Hollywood, MGM Grand, Paris, Caesars Palace and The Hard Rock… my search came up empty so I started to walk the strip, I saw a small group of tourist huddled around what I thought was a Street Performer, there he stood, sporting blonde hair, mustache, and sunglasses… I have stumbled upon the elusive one, the one known as Billy!

I observed from a distance, he was charismatic and able to hold the crowd in awe for a decent amount of time, he was shorter in person than I expected, I’m not 6 feet tall and I doubt he is either, small in frame…normal looking, nothing special stood out other than that Blonde hair, and 80’s porn mustache.

I’ve been told if one wants to spend time with Billy they need to present him with gifts of Champagne and bikini clad women but I didn’t have either and I had no time to gather these much needed props. I acted quickly and muscled my way through the crowd and handcuffed myself to him. At first he glared at me and then the glare turned into a smirk, the smirk turned into a grin and the grin morphed into a Cheshire cat style smile. “Yo, G… you sure you are up for this?” he said in a slight Texan Drawl. I nodded and escorted him a waiting Uber car. Billy gave the Driver directions to the hotel; the hotel will remain unnamed as I couldn’t get them to sign a waiver.

We took the elevator to the Penthouse Suite, it was an impressive pad, but we didn’t stay in it long, Billy wanted to sit on the Balcony. HE asked me what I wanted, I replied that I just wanted to interview him, basic 20 questions and I’d be gone. He obliged but not before he took a few chugs from his Krug Clos d’Ambonnay champagne… the balcony was littered with empty bottles of this brand, typically going for about $2,700 a bottle. Billy was man that truly embraced his vices.

Billy sat back and gulped from the bottle, “Hey Bro… let’s get this show on the road.. Billy has some damage to do tonight… you wanna wreck this town with me?” he said. I pulled out my fountain pen and graph paper with my questions already written down.


OTT: Good evening Billy, I was hoping you could set the record straight tonight, there are a lot of rumors circling and this could really help put an end to them.

BILLY: Yo.. G.. let’s do it.. Billy is ready…BRING IT!! (SCREAMING)

OTT: Billy, where are you from originally?

BILLY: My Mother’s Womb playa!!

OTT: Billy, do you enjoy Vegas?

BILLY: Yeah Bro.. I love this place, I love this place more than Lamar Odom loves Hookers and more than Lebron loves hairclub for men.

OTT: Billy, a lot of people think you are dressing in disguise, are you?

BILLY: Yo Bro… this is me, this is Billy and Billy came to play… ok , ok, ok!!! (Smirking)

**At this point Billy jumped on the ledge of his balcony and began to urinate on the crowd below. He laughed and sang out “MAKE IT RAIN, MAKE IT RAIN, MAKE IT RAIN LIKE R. KELLY” **

He then began to dance around the balcony while music blared from his Suite, “GO on Holmes… what else you got” he screamed over the music.

OTT: Billy, What is your profession? How do you make a living?

BILLY: I’m freaking Billy yo!!! I get paid!!

**giving the money motion with his hands… you know the one. Thumbs rubbing the index and middle finger**

Billy: I get paid, Yo!! I get paid to me, you can’t be me, you don’t have the blonde locks Holmes.

OTT: Billy, where did you grow up?

**Billy began to disrobe until he was wearing nothing more than his Dallas Cowboys boxers.

BILLY: I don’t want to grow up… Nah… I don’t want to grow up I’m a Toys –R-Us Kid! Live fast, party hard, have no regrets and I’ll die when I’m tired Yip! Yip!!!

OTT: Can I call you Johnny?

** Billy looked at me like I just killed his parents, laser like death stare**

BILLY: Can I smack the taste out of your mouth? Can I call you mom my Bae? Can I? Can I? This isn’t about you G, this about BILLY!! Let’s try to stay on track here.

OTT: So you love Vegas, and I can clearly see you love Champagne.. Is that you go to drink? What’s your Poison?

**Opens another bottle and chugs the contents to the last drop.


OTT: Have you ever lived in Cleveland, Ohio?

**Billy appears to have fallen asleep**

**Billy wakes up shaking violently, grabs a can of 4 Loko and slams it back**

BILLY: Ladies!! Ladies!! Yo, Dude… Where are all the Ladies? Ladies Love Billy and Billy Loves to PARTY!!

OTT: Aren’t you, in fact just Johnny Manziel in a costume?


**For the next 18 minutes Billy laughed out loud… yes it was annoying but I had a job to do.

OTT: Billy, how long have you had that Mustache?

BILLY: Aye…Like Lady Gaga said… “I WAS BORN THIS WAY!!”

OTT: Billy do you have any pets? Perhaps a dog?

BILLY: I’m a DOG G!! Haaaa-HAAAAA!!!! Yep! MMM Yeahhh!

OTT: You really have not given me a direct answer to any of my questions. What are you avoiding?

BILLY: The only things Billy avoids are STD’s, Paternity cases, Sundays and Dry Counties.

OTT: If there were a movie made about you, who would play you?

BILLY: Bro… Bro… Come on Bro.. Nobody can play me, I’m Billy, are you Billy?

**Billy looks at his phone and giggles**

BILLY: People always trying to track me down… damn man, it’s like I’m under arrest or something.

OTT: It seems like you enjoy the party scene so do you like music too? What’s your favorite type of music?


**Billy began to yell this over and over as he twerked into the Suite**

I was worried he may not return, but he did. At this point Billy was carrying a foot thick stack of 20 dollar bills acting like it was a phone. Talking into the stack he carried on a fake conversation: “Hey… it’s me, I’m sorry but I will not be able to make it in tomorrow, I think I may have broken my liver or sprained my kidney.”

OTT: Billy… BILLY!! HEY!!! What’s your favorite football team?

BILLY: Football? Man what is it with you and all these football questions? Billy loves the Cowboys… you know why? Those dudes are historic in the party scene… MY IDOLS!!!

OTT: OK last question here… Here is a photo of a large group of Cleveland Browns fans… do any look familiar?

BILLY: AH MAN…. Memories!!! I think a fiddled with the ladies in that section right there.

**Billy pointed to the dog pound and then grabbed the photo and wiped his ass with the picture. **

I got up, left the room, went back to my hotel. I had tracked down and interviewed the latest sensation and was well aware that I’d been right about him all along.

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